At This Moment, We Are Infinite

It’s 2 AM, and I just finished watching “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” for the first time. I remember watching the trailer a while ago, and immediately wanting to go see it when it was released… And just recently, after having a friend of mine tell me I should see it after hearing how I tried to kill myself again, I decided to watch it.

Whether others believe it to be a good movie or not, I highly recommend it.

And the truth of tonight, after having just watched it, is that I cried… I cried as hard as I did the first time I attempted to kill myself.

And the other truth is, that I needed to cry like this, since the beginning of this month.

You see, every year since I was 12 turning 13, I’ve attempted to kill myself, in this month, on my birthday…. And my birthday is in two days.

I’ve needed to cry and talk about why I do this every year… Why I hit rock bottom.

Why I imagine my wrists being open and rivers of red falling down onto the floor beneath me.

Why I can’t find myself worthy.

Why I won’t speak about my mother to my father… About how it’s not his fault that I was molested as a child.

Why I’m afraid of being close to people… Losing friends  and being called insane.

Why every year, I try to forget how much I hate myself, by trying to save others.

“At this Moment, We Are Infinite” – Charlie

I cried as hard as I did, because I knew where Charlie had been… What it was like to be scared and alone. What it was like to be noticed for the first time and to have friends for the first time. I knew what it was like to wonder why I see every-ones pain… And how do you stop that.

8 years ago, I tried to kill myself for the second time. Not the first… And truth be told, that first time hasn’t ever been spoken of. It doesn’t carry nearly as much weight as the second.

8 years ago I spent 15 days in a psych unit…. I cried every night as I fought to fall asleep. I cried because I had involved people in my life… Had found friends in high school, had been close to people, had learned to remove my fear of family and friends.

I cried because I was ashamed.

I tried to kill myself… And I had nothing to say about it.

And every year, around march, I had attempted to do the same thing.

Every single year, I’ve fought to get better… To fight the bad things.

Every year I’ve failed to stop from attempting to kill myself… But this year, at this very moment, I realized that I am infinite.

Charlie eventually found himself surrounded by friends. Found himself realized as a writer, a dreamer, a person.

And though I find myself homeless and often without food, I’ve realized that this year, I have laughed and grown and found happiness in my situation.

I don’t know what’s going to come tomorrow, and I can’t change what has happened in my past.

But I can influence how my future is going to go. I can find the happiness of today and let it guide me to my tomorrow. And then when I hit that tomorrow, I can let it’s happiness guide me to the day after that.

And I realize that not every day is going to be so picturesque…

I know I’ll find days that are filled with challenges and obstacles to overcome.

But I also know that I have such potential to change lives by telling these kinds of stories.

That those dark moments will always be overcome with light once the daylight dawns in the morning.

God knows I love that.

It’s almost funny too… I’m sitting here eyes red and nose slightly running, and this moment of clarity is enough to bring a smile to my face after remembering how broken I’ve been before and how close to the twelfth it is again.

I’ll be twenty one in two days time… Old enough to drink legally. Old enough to be what some of my friends call a “Proper” adult.

But that number is more important than that.

I’ve made it twenty one years… Far longer than I’ve ever thought I would. I’ve been legally dead 3 times and have had four lives. I’ve met many people in my life who have shared similar stories, had great minds impart the wisdom they’ve learned to me, found grace in writing, and have made more differences in the last three years, then quite a majority of people have, their entire lives.

I guess that’s what I’ve needed to learn for all of these years… That I’m worth more love than i’ve let myself be given. And that at this one moment I, Devin Erebus Faye, am infinite.

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~ by The Fayte Poet on 03/10/2013.

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